Hello everyone,
A few of my of my blog's readers, expressed frustrations, when I wrote about 'Spirituality and Metaphysical Experiences'; calming: "It was kind of scary"... At one point in my life, I realized that many people fear certain wards; like 'Past Lives', 'Future Life' or 'Out of the Body Experience' The ward 'Metaphysics would become clearer, after I share with you a part of my life's story; the time I met my 'First Love': "Paul Liefer", who was on his way to Israel, where he would be serving as the First Secretary of the Austrian Embassy... At one point I offered Paul to take him on him on a trip which would help him become more familiar with Israel: The old city of Cesarea... The two of us, were walking in one of the ancient streets of this newly discovered city, when I suddenly found myself going through a strange and scary experience, which left me confused and a bit scared...
My First M.S.E (Metaphysical/ Spiritual Experience. Change red to black
I was excperiencing some kind of a powerful 'Knowing', almost a memory, of a time when Paul and I, were "Walking Together in this same street "... It was during the Roman occupation of Judea (present time Israel) Paul was warped in a Roman Toga and I was dressed in a White Gown, with gold embroidery near the neck and the sides of the sleeves The two of us were walking in a busy city, where stores with wide open doors, displayed Meat, Fish , Vegetables, Bread and other kinds of food... Across the narrow street, were other kind of stores... We were listening to the lively conversations, going on and could hear sounds of 'good nature' bargaining, mixed with joyful and loud laughter....
When I was telling Paul about this strange experience, I was going through he said:" What you are telling me now, makes me feel very Uncomfortable"... A sharp pain pierced my heart and a brief heart braking thought was crossing my mind: 'He doesn't remember'... An unbearable wave of sadness, mixed with sharp and intense confusion, was feeling my heart and I had to 'choke down' my tears.. Later as we set in Paul's car on our way back to his place, the two of us were silent...I couldn't quite comprehend what was going on, or why I felt so Sad... The idea of having a "Past Life Experience", was unfamiliar to me I could see from the corner of my eye, how Paul was sending me 'Inquisitive Glances', but I didn't say a ward; he was used to my bubbly, talkative personality and seemed to be confused, by my strange silence he did not ask me what was going on and I was very grateful he didn't; because I could not understand it myself...
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| An entrance to Cesarea |
Main street... |
Foundations of a house |
Excavated homes |
"A coincidence, is God's way of remaining anonymous!"X I read somewhere... Was it destiny which brought us together? Is there such a thing as 'Past Life?' "I don't think so!" I heard my Inner Cynic was saying. "It was just a coincident, which brought you and Paul together! Don't be silly, neither God nor Destiny, were behind the fact that the two of you Fell in Love!" Francine Du Plesix Grey says :Flaubert believed that all of us are victims of Romanticism: We have been victimized by the Propaganda Machine of the Western Novel"... This saying, may have more than a grain of truth to it, since besides the books about Romantic Love I devoured in my youth, I must have been 'Hypnotized', by the Hollywood movies, where the camera captures the 'Hero and Heroine', saying a tearful goodbye, before one of them is boarding an airplane, a ship or a moving train while the other stands on the pavement and waving "Good By", from the open window...
Since I worked as a Drama Teacher in several schools (Often writing and directing some of the plays) My 'Inner Cynic',was telling me, I must have also, written the script for this 'love affair' and selected Paul and myself to Star in this "Movie"... After all, what could be more dramatic or romantic then a story or movie about a tragic young love... Was I trying to create a new version of "Romeo and Juliet"? Could it be that my 'Inner Optimist', was hoping, that by falling in love with the "Enemy"(Paul) I may bring 'a closure', to the deep hatred of my people in Israel, towards any German and Austrian; by falling in love with one of "the enemy"? Paul told me about the parting wards, he heard from his Mother and aunt, just before he came to Israel:X"Just don't bring us any 'Jewess' from the Holy land... Was my romantic Inner Author, trying to create a modern version, of 'Romeo and Juliet', by giving the story a happy ending? Was I over- analyzing and our Love affair took place, simply because Paul and I, were two young people at the prime of their lives, who simply fell madly in love with one another...
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| "Glamor Girl" |
Paul in the Austrian Army |
"Reflective" |
The two of us were avid readers, enjoyed Theater, Art and Music, especially Classical and Jaz..X We bouth liked intellectual discussions...(even heated arguments at times!) Sheared a similar sense of humor and were romantic, loving and passionate... On the other hand after two cocktail parties, given by the Austrian Embassy, I told Paul that X 'This Kind of Socializing' was not for me... I found the gathering group of people, talking and sipping their cocktails; 'Shallow and Phony' the Conversations 'Forced' and the' Hilarity Fake'... I had a feeling that many of the people, were Social Climbers...I have to admit that in those years, I was 'A bit 'Intolerant and Judgmental; though I was able to 'Camouflage' it quite well... After meeting me the Ambassador told Paul, he found me to be"Beautiful and Charming Highly Intelligent and very Genuine!" Asking him, to bring me to other formal dinners and (the dreadful) Cocktail Parties... I politely refused to go, encouraging Paul to go by himself, delighted to stay in the small, rented house, busy writing plays for my students in the Drama Class... Paul had a large Record Collection and one of my favorites was Jacques Brell sad love song: "Ne me quite pas" (If you go away) which broke my heart whenever I listened to it.Was it kind of a 'Premonition' of our future relationship?
The group of friends, Tsipi and I created while serving in the army, learned to like and even 'love Paul' after criticizing me at the beginning, for getting involved with an Austrian..."(The Austrians were worse then the Germans during the Second World War!”) My friends, repeated what their parents were saying However, after meeting and getting to know Paul better, they changed their minds... Paul had three single friends at the embassy, who joined our group... We used to gather at his place, talk, sip wine and watch slides from Paul's trips to Russia and other countries he visited...We went to the movies, danced in night-clubs and ate in popular restaurants... However, the two of us preferred to spend most of our weekends alone... Going to the beach and travel to well known Historic and Biblical places which Paul read about My Archeologist best friend 'Berkowitz', was delighted to take us....
We went to the Movies and Concerts at the Israeli Philharmonic, visited art galleries, shopped and cooked together and spent long and leisurely hours in bed; stroking each other's skin...We reviled a few intimate details from our lives to each other, sharing the horrors of the wars we bouth experienced as young kids... Paul who was six years older then me, told me about the 'Non Stop' bombing of Austria during the Second World War and the Hunger people suffered, before the allies invaded his country and I was describing my scary experiences in Jerusalem, during the War of Independence, when I was only four years old... The two of us talked for hours, laughing and at times wiping a tear, as the topic of our separation would come up; the day Paul leaves Israel and moves on to another country, in order to serve as an Ambassador in different countries, around the world...
Growing up is not easy, it is hard to create one own 'Unique Personality' and stop being our parents 'Beloved baby"... I was going through a period of painful, but amazing experience of 'giving birth' to emotions of Humility and Surrender; which would help me open a the doors to the Spirituality and Mistesism. X.. I believe, it gave me the strength and ability, to go through the process of getting over the attachment to Parents, by transferring to Paul, the emotions of Unconditional Love, Loyalty and Dependency on my parents; I had was finally growing up and becoming a Woman...It was thrilling and scary at the same time... As the months passed by Paul and I were invited time and again to the weddings of my friends and the dreaded subject, of the 'future of our relationship', kept on raising its head...We were both terrified that if we get married, Paul's career may suffer. After all how could he serve as Ambassador in a Pro -Arab country; when his wife, is a former soldier in the IDF? (Israel Defense Forces). Paul was also concerned, that if we get married, I may be suffering from Antisemitism, which he admitted still prevailed in Austria and was afraid he would be unable to protect me...
Since Tel -Aviv University refused to give me credit, for some of the classes I took in the U.S, I told myself (and Paul) it must be a sighn, that I should go to the U.S and complete my collage education... Once again faith intervened: My Hebrew school principal from Texas, wrote to tell me he was now heading the Hebrew School of a large Jewish Congregation, in Detroit Michigan and inviting me to teach there and registered for the Fall Semester at the University of Detroit! Paul was overdue for his 'Home Vacation'; so we decided to meet in Italy, on his way back to Israel and my trip to the U.S Paul left first and two weeks later, after parting from my family and friends, I met him in Italy, where we boarded a ship sailing to Genoa; the place where the two of us met... We traveled in a rented car throughout Italy, taking in the magnificent view... l enjoying the soft Italian Sunlight, Olive groves and Cypresses...We were staying in small inns, visited Monasteries and listened to beautiful Gregorian Chant, Paul enjoyed and I fell in love with...
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| Paul and I |
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| Outdoor café |
The two of us were 'Miserably Happy'... Knowing our time together was coming to an end in Milan...We spent hours in beautiful old hotels with 'Plaster Angels' on the high ceilings above us and were making love... We talked very little; with our eyes closed, we were trying to memorize with our finger tips, each other's face and the way our skin felt... From time to time, we ventured out for a leisurely walk and set at one of the Sidewalk Cafes, sipping Cappuccino... People looked at us with tender smiles and turned around, to take a second look...At one point Paul broke down...He said he never experienced such Love as ours and was doubting he would ever be able to do so again...Suddenly, he hit the table with his fist, saying we should forget all our doubts and get married in Italy right away! A primal fear flooded my heart. I loved Paul so much and so desperately I wished nothing else, but spend the rest of my life with him! But I was Terrified my pain was almost unbearable!" I will tell you what w Paul, I have a plain ticket to the U.S, a good job is waiting for me in Atlanta and I am registered at the University of Detroit... It would be wiser, if I go to the U.S, where I'll get my B.A and study German, before we get married!". The look in his eyes broke my heart. I guess we bouth knew, this was the last time we are going to be together and will never see each other again... Our pain was almost unbearable...
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| Milan train station |
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| Paul gone... |
We parted at the Milan's Train Station. I was leaning out the window and Paul was holding my hand, running beside the train, when it began to move until our hands separated... I was watching him as he stood on the platform with his his arm raised..."He looks Just like the Statue of Liberty"X My Inner Cynic was joking, trying to cheer me up, but I did not laugh... I was watching Paul getting smaller and smaller:"Just Like Elise in Wounder Land"!" XMy 'Inner Cynic' said again, as I was trying to stop the flow of the tears, running down my checks... People were sending me curious looks, but I was unable to stop crying and didn't realy care... My heart was broken; crushed, smashed into thousands little pieces, as if it knew, that in spite of our 'Amazing love', the two of us will never see each other again... There was 'Deep dark grief', pulsating in my stomach; as if it was a premonition, that I am about to go through one of the most difficult and painful chapters of my life: "The Dark Moments of the Soul": My life without Paul...
With Love and Light,
Shira
