Hello everyone,
In my post The Dark Moment of the Soul, I described one of the most intense year of my life; the one I spent in Detroit Michigan, where I received my B.A and how I took the Greyhound bus to Manhatten in N.Y... At first, I was going to enter the local university and continue with my plans to receive my M.A in Psychology, but decided to take a break from school for one semester...I rented a tiny apartment in Greenwich Village, which belonged to an Israeli student, who took a year off and went to Israel. He introduced me to his friends, (all students like me) and instructing them, to take good care of me and make sure, I will take good care of his apartment... I found a job as a hebrew school teacher and was ready to begin writing the book I was planing to write... To my surprise, I realized that I had no idea what to write about... My new friends invited me to parties, where I may meet a nice guy, but my heart did not heal yet from the pain over Paul. I wanted to be by myself after the past year, where every moment of my life was scheduled.I got a job teaching Hebrew and Judaism to adults and was ready to discover Manhattan,"The city which never sleeps..."
I was walking all over the East and West Village, Soho in the south, Chelsea in the north, taking in the special flavors and colors, of the quaint old streets... The Village was filled with happy Hippies, children and artists, who were displaying their 'Goods' on the side walks: Paintings, carved wooden ornaments, beaded jewelry, painted 'Cheesecloth' blouses as well as 'Tie-Dye' skirts and dresses... I felt "Care Free" roaming the streets, intoxicated by the smell of the Patchouli oil, drifting in the air, mixed with another poignant which scent I did not recognize... Months later I would learn it was Cannabis...
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| A street in the Village | Wooden Ornaments | Tie dye clothes |
About ten days after my move to the Village, a letter from Tsipi, arrived to my new address in N.Y. Congratulating me for making two dreams come true: Getting my B.A and moving to Manhatten... She also wished me good luck in the writing of my book...After giving me the latest gossip about our friends in Israel, she asked me to be ready for a big surprise (almost a 'shock'!) An unexpected visitor came to see her: Paul! He left Israel shortly after I did, to serve in Indonesia as the First Secretary of the Austrian Embassy, stopping in Israel for a short 'Work Visit' and came to see Tsipi and the new baby girl she had... When he told her how sad he has been over our separation, Tsipi, who always spoke her mind told him that his fear about "'Shira's suffering from Antisemitism and his fear and concern, of being unable to protect her in such a case"; sounded like an excuse...She also said, that he probably didn't love me enough to take a chance...This upset Paul greatly and he told Tsipi how wrong she was and evidently had no idea how much he loved and still Loves me and was still suffering and hurting, by our separation... Tsipi added that Paul seemed very sad (actually"Heart broken") and even though, he didn't say it, she got the impression that his marriage was not what he expected it to be...
If Tsipi was hoping this news would make me feel better; she was wrong... The rest of my suppressed pain over Paul marriage, erupted without warning; like a 'Tsunami, which was threatening to consume me... "So it was all for nothing!" A part of me was saying... "At least if one of us was happy, but it seems we are both miserable now!" Even though I was supposedly the "Injured one", I felt sorry for Paul, I knew that his marrying this Austrian Woman, was an attempt to 'Avoid the complications' which he believed our marriage will create... I still loved him and thinking about the pain he would feel, as the result of making this mistake, made me sad for him... Like watching an old movie, I was playing in my mind the times Paul and I hung together and our long conversations regarding his fears of getting married... Being an optimist, I was sure that in spite of all the stumbling blocks, we would be able to make it, trusting in our powerful love, to wipe away the old prejudice and bitterness of our 'Parents Generation!' Maybe I even judged him for giving in to our fears... Was his career really going to suffer, because his wife was Jewish and a former Israeli soldier in the IDF? Is it enough to give up such love, which one is lucky to experience in a life time, if at all?... Were we both destined to live the rest of our lives with partners who may be but a shadow of what we were to one another? Did I try enough, instead of packing and leaving? There was no answer...
I needed to write again! Writing always calmed me and sharpened my clarity... Besides, I had to fulfill the promise I made myself in high school, about 'Living in Greenwich Village and write a Masterpiece!' I turned to my old diary and began to realize how in a way, it was easy for me, to blame Paul for our breakup; so I wouldn't have to face My hidden fears which were berried under the layers of my Extreme Optimism... Wasn't I the one who said "Not yet!", when he spontaneously suggested in Italy, that we get married right there and then? (A Love Story) I had to admit to myself, that even though I felt Paul was my one and only Love, a part of me wasn't sure if I could fit into his 'Diplomatic World' since I detested the formal, fancy and rigid dinner parties, where I found the conversations in the cocktail parties boring and insincere... I knew it will be hard for me, to 'watch what I say' and make sure to always be "Politically Correct", rather then speak up my mind, as I always did! Was my love for Paul so strong I would be willing to give up my Authentic Self and change the essence of who I actually was: A 'Rabel" and fighter for Justes" in order to fit into the Diplomatic world?
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| A lonely park bench |
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| Alone in the Village |
As the days past by another disowned fear, regarding marring Paul began to surface... It was an image of myself with two blond German speaking kids, arriving for a visit, with my family in Israel and facing my uncle Chaim, who lost his entire family by the hands of the German Gestapo: His Grandparents, parents, sisters, brothers, uncles, aunts and ten of his Nephews and ousins; who were all sent to the Gas chambers of the Concentration Camps! The fact that I finally realized, how my disowned fears could be one of the factors in our breakup, did not make the pain any lighter... I was walking for hours, getting to know every street and Ally in the "Village". When I got tired, I would sit on a bench in the small park, away from the happy Hippies, who were singing and playing their guitars. I was watching old peopl feeding pigeons, proud smiling mothers, looking after their kids, who were playing in the sand bo, trying to forget the throbbing ache of my broken heart...
If I was able to know that three years later, I would meet and be marry Al and be in love with both my husband and our darling baby girl Karen... If I was only able to see the future; I might have been able to escape the 'unbearable heartache, loneliness and suffering' ,which I felt in the"Village".Maybe if I could have realized, that perhaps this kind of Agony, might have been necessary for my emotional development and Spiritual growth; I would realize, that just like the iron, which must go through 'Fire' in order to be Molded and Shaped, I also needed to go through the pain, which came to strengthen and prepared me for my true destiny: "Being able to relate to the pain and suffering, of my future patients when I would finaly become a Psychologist and help them heal!" The pain I felt was so strong; it was almost unbearable... About a week after I left the Psychiatrist office, I woke up with uncontrollable urge to write about my love affair with Paul! For two months I was compulsively riing, completing thirty nine poems... When I finally put my pen down, I experienced a great relief and a sense of peace and purification; as if I have just cleared a good portion of the lingering pain and attachment to Paul...
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| - Separation - Alone on the other side of time we stand apart Siamese twins whose joint heart cut in half Orphaned brother and sister severed from one another when the trains came to a halt in front of the chimneys where the Lord rained fire and brimstone We escaped ran for our lives leaving our young Love to die to be gassed with our doubts to burn with our fears we looked behind us and turned to pillars of ice standing apart the cold winds wander through the empty chambers of our hearts and the snow From our hearts. | from our eyes. | - Conclusion - The passing years erase your image softly the teeth of time gnaw slowly at your face my memories are yellow with the usage like falling leaves they crumble to the floor Before we held our hands lifted up our arms and soared to heaven Now we landed each on different shores was the splendor of our love so golden because the end was always waiting at the door? |
With Love and Light,
Shira
