The Day I Lost God... V, (change blue into black) OO

Hello everyone,

Jaffa, Israel 1955

   My friend Miriam and I are 'Strolling along' Jerusalem Boulevard, next to our school in Jaffa...      Miriam is sitting in her 'Wheel Chair', while I sit on the Wood Bench, across from her.  It is a sunny  spring day; birds are tweeting and the old trees, proudly show their New Leaves... I sit on a faded wood bench and Miriam remains sitting in her Wheelchair... I was a New Student when the teacher pointed me    to a chair behind an old woode desk for two. Yhere were 'fading names' of previous students, carved in to the old table... Miriam showed me hers and whispered to me. to do the same, when the teacher was writing with a choke on the Blackboard. (which I didn't...) As I was checking out my new class, I suddenly saw a folded 'Wheel-Chair' at the corner of the room..."Do you have a crippled kid in the class?" I asked my  new friend. She burst into a marry laughter, pointed at her chest and said:"Yes! It's me!" Much later I will find out, that all the doctors, her parents took her to see,were unable to tell, what was the Neurological Ailment Miriam was suffering from...They eventually assumed, that her Spine and Nervous System,  might have been affected, when her mother; who was in her eighth month of pregnancy,(with Miriam)  jumped from the sixth floor, to escape the 'Gestapo' (German secret police) which were banging on the door of their apartment... Her mother was able to esacap,cbut when Miriam became a todler, she was unable to walk! After this first day in school Miriam and I became Inseparable... We found out we had      a lot in common! Both of us were ferocious readers, loved to talk and analyze, tell jokes, laugh out loud  and play "Ticks (surprises) on our friends... After school, we enjoyed strolling in 'Jerusalem Boulevard' Jaffa's main  street. Miriam was sitting in her 'Wheel Chair' and I was pushing it on the sidewalk. From    time to time we would turn her chair around, in order to confront the people who stoped waking and were staring at Miriam with looks of pity... "What are you looking at?!" I would angrily say to some of these 'On Lookers', who began to scatter like 'Frightened Chickens'! Miriam and I would burst into a Roaring Laughter, tryed to stop but laughing all over again, until our bellies were aching...

    I loved Miriam! It was so good to have a Best Friend, with whom I share my secrets and know she           will never Betray Me!... Miriam loved my stories about our large, extended family of Grand Parents  aunts Uncles and two generations of Cousins; all born in Israel... Miriam, who lost her Grandparents, Uncles, Aunt, Cousins and many other relatives, in the Concentration Camps... I was fascinated by the  fact that my Grandparents on bouth sides, were among the First 'Pioneers' who came from Russia, to  build our small country! She was particularly impressed, that my parents were Born in  Israel  which meant I was a 'Double Sabra' (Nickname for Israeli born)...  Besides her brother and baby sister.Miriam had no extended family, besides her parents, a younger brother and a baby sister... Her immediate family died in Germany's  'Concentration Camps'... She wanted to know all about my extended family; laughing with pleasure, after I told her that when I was four years old, I thought that my beloved Grandpa my father's Dad; Saba Eliyahu was God! Since his hair and beard where soft and white like Fluffy Clouds    and his clear blue eyes, were the color of the sky...

Saba's miniatures

Miriam and me

    I have written before  about my beloved Grandpa, who was an  Archeological Sculpture (Childhood Memories in Black and white)    Curving 'Small models" of the 'Holy Places', in and around Israel  Mostly in Jerusalem. On the right are three duplicates, of famous Biblical Burial Places, made by my grandfather, who used the  'White Stones' he picked at the hills, which surrounded Jerusalem  Sometimes, it would take him almost a year, of curving by hand    each one (with special Tiny Knives and Hammers) to finish one of these Miniature Structures... Through the tiny windows one is able to see, a copy of the X Tumb Stones, which covered the graves... I remember asking my Saba, how was he able to go inside, in order to do so and he would whisper in my ear, with a whimsical smile:"I have a Tiny Helper, smaller then your little finger... I give him a small hammer and this little man, goes through the window and does a great job!" When I asked if I could watch this little man at work, my beloved Saba, would say that this 'Little Man' comes very late at night, long after 'Sunset' when all children are already sleeping...

  Like most of the refugees, who escaped Europe during the Nazi Regime; Miriam's family came from  Poland... They lived in a small abandoned and dilapidated house, in Jaffa, which was previously an Arab Neighborhood... The three Jewish Families, who were now living in this small house, were Jewish refuges from Poland and Romania... They shared one small Kitchen, one Toilette and a tiny Bath Room... Even though they did not understand each other's language, they  Communicating in broken Hebrew, or asking their kids to translate for them...  Since Miriam and I were always together, I became a part of these three families and was often invited to dine with them.  However, even though the food smelled delicious, I worefused to do so, if there was any meat...

  Miriam adored my "Arabic Palace"... Unlike her crowded home in the 'Asphalt Jungle' of Jaffa; our house had huge rooms and a garden with fruit trees and flowers... There was an empty field near by, where sheep were feeding on the wild grass. They were watched by an Arab boy about my age ,whose family was among the few, who chose to stay in their homes, rather then ran away, when Israel was declared by the United Nations, to be a "Jewish State!" I wanted to ask this boy if he knew the Sultan's many wives and kids, who lived in our present home, before they ran away, but I didn't speak Arabic... I realized that this boy didn't like me, because if   I  smiled at him, he didn't smile back, but turned his head and walked away with his sheep, which kind of hurt my feelings because I just wanted to be his friend...

   Miriam and I became Best Friends! She loved my parents and I believe she had a crash on Rami, my sixteen years old brother... I personally did not like my brother, not at all! I suffered from his "Dismissive and Superior attitude", which (some) older siblings, may treat their younger brothers and sisters... Rami who was five years older, was condescending to me and my girlfriends! I was very hurt and embarrassed by the way he acted towards us! When I brought Miriam home for the first time, I was terrified that Rami would hurt her feelings, but to my great surprise, he was very nice to her... He even set by her chair and talked to her!... It helped the rage I felt towards him, to subside a bit, realizing that my brother has  been hiding a sensitive part, which I haven't seen him expresses,... Miriam loved to look at the small miniature building of my grandfather... She touched them gingerly and looked with wonderment, through the tiny windows at the Tomb stones inside... I told her that my Saba made his living, by selling his Art  to the Tourists as well as the Turkish government officials, who ruled our small country... Years later he would be selling it his miniatures, to the the 'British Rulers', who came after them... When Al and I got married    my parents gave us as our wedding gift, these three little sculptures, made by my beloved Saba, who passed away when I was nine years old... These Tiny Buildings are the most precious and valuable items which I will grab first, in case of an Earthquake or a Land Slide; 'God Forbid'...

   It took me almost one hour, to push Miriam's wheelchair, from her home to mine; since a Large part     of the road was Sandy in the summer and Muddy in the winter; which made the pushing more difficult since the wheels got stuck in sand and the mud... I never complained or even thought, that I was doing anything Unusual; by pushing Miriam's wheel chair and was surprised when people complemented me by saying how nice I was to do so... "What's so nice about pushing my Best Fiend's wheel chair? She would be doing the same for me!" I wondered...When the two of us, finally arrived to my "Arabic Palace" as she named our place, Miriam would bang, the bronze fist, on the heavy door and yell: "Open sesame!"  Later we would sit in the shade of the Mulberry trees and talk... Mostly about the books we read: The Flying Carpet and the Gene, who broke free from a bottle he was in, for many years... The one who helped him out, was  a boy, whom he was showing  his gratitude, by granting him three wishes...  "What would You wish for?" Miriam and I asked each other... I wished to be better in Math, but when I heard Miriam's wish to be able to walk, my heart field up with Sadness and decided to give up my wish and replace it by one which would help Miriam to be able to walk!   

   Let's go back to the beginning of this post, where two twelve years old girls, are sitting on a bench       in  Jerusalem Boulevard, engaged in a 'Deep Conversation' about life, God and miracles... It is warm      just a few days before the Holiday of Passover... In our Bible class, we have been learning, how Moses liberated our forefathers, who were forced to be Jewish Slaves in Egypt and how he lead them to their  new home in Canaan; our present country Israel! Miriam and I talk about God, the Miracle Maker, who created Heaven and Earth and Split the water of the Red Sea, in order to help the Hebrew slaves escape   from the Egyptian army... We also talked about our Almighty God, who freed our Forefathers from Slavery, by  helping the Jewish slaves cross the Desert and settle in the promised land: "Our beloved  country Israel! "Miriam!" I can see my 'Young Self,' begins the awakening process of Doubts :“If God   can do such Miracles, why doesn't he make you walk?!” Miriam's safe world of unshakable Belief in     the 'Almighty', begins to crumble... For a moment, we sit in silence. "I don't know why?" She finally said... "Maybe because we Never Asked Him?! God is very busy you know, maybe if we ask him to make  A Miracle you could get out of this wheelchair and walk!" We look at each other again, this time with eagerness, excitement and New Hope... We hold hands, lift our eyes to the sky and I say loudly: “God please make Miriam Stand Up and Walk!" 

   For a moment everything around us is frozen in time... Then once again buses and cars begin to move back and fourth on both sides of Jerusalem Boulevard, where an old man and woman, sit on a bench warming themselves in the sun... Two mothers feeding their babies; chasing away the flies with a thin Cloth Diaper... Miriam and I are staring at her legs and hold our breath; waiting for a miracle; but nothing  is happening... "Do you feel Anything Miriam? Try to move one leg at a time, I think I saw A movement!”  I refuse to give up... She slowly moves her head from side to side and her soft gray eyes behind the lenses of her glasses, seem to be sad and tired... Miriam looks at me Apologetically, sorry to disappoint me and I feel like crying... "Wait!” I say with a renewed hope, “Maybe God didn't understand or realize that we are asking him to make this Miracle Right Now! not in the future!”  The Two of us  are holding our hands again and I say with renewed determination: “God! Please make Miriam get out of the wheelchair and walk, Right Now!" It should be very easy for God to do so, after all, didn't he create such a Big world      in  six days only?! I can see how the 'Hope' is fading away from Miriam's eyes and I feel like crying... 

   The intensity of my hope was turning into devastating, disappointment and then into a Rage! I look up   to the sky and point my finger, at a small white cloud, sailing peacefully by..."Well, you know what God?  I I don't believe in you any more!” I yell looking up... “I don't even believe that you created the world!      If you did, it would be so Easy for you to make Miriam walk! Why don't you? Why?!" begin to bang my Fist on the bench, slowly losing hope...  Though I am still waiting: Maybe God is busy now, maybe he'll realize how unfair it is, to torture Miriam and her family, who already suffered enough, by the hands of  the Nazis...X"Please make Miriam walk God, It should be so easy  for you! After all,you are God All Mighty!" Miriam and I hold our hands waiting... We are waiting, waiting and waiting, but nothing is happening, Nothing!  This was how, at the age of Twelve, sitting on a Faded Green Bench in a small    park in Jaffa, I lost  my belief in God... It would take a Broken Heart before I find God again... 

With Love and Light,
Shira