Psycho Archeology. V, O

Hello, Everyone

 

    Years after being diagnosed with Brain Tumor (which lead me to start writing this blog) I was often asked by my readers, how could I be so Fearless... People couldn't believe, that anyone, who just found  out about her Brain Tumor, is able to be joking and asking for help in Naming it.. ("Tum") and  how just   a week before the surgery, is hosting a big "Goodbye party" for the tumor... (Bon Voyage Tum).

   Looking back, it seems that I have always been this way (Fearless). Even as a child, I was climbing the tallest trees, jumping from the highest places and (almost) always landing on my feet! I used to convince my friends, to go with me into spooky and scary places and had the 'guts', to argue with our teachers, even those who were very strict... At twenty one, after my military service, I traveled by myself in Italy, France Germany and Switzerland, continuing to the US and worked as a teacher in Jewish schools, in order to pay for my collage and rent... I traveled by bus, all over this gigantic continent (no money for airplanes...) and visited remote Indian Reservations, National Parks and places I have read about, or saw in the movies... I could never understand, why people were so astonished by my "Courage"...  It was simple; I would think about whatever I wished to do, plan it, save money, buy a ticket and go for it... (usually by bus...)  I was always amazed, as well as amused, to see how fearful kids (and adults) were,when they found themselves in cretin scary situations, which never frightened me at all....

  A year or so, after my husband Al and I moved to California, with our three years old daughter Karen, I heard about 'Consciousness Expanding seminar' named EST. Always looking for new ways to 'Broaden my horizons', I signed up... It was one of the most important and Life changing experience I have ever  had...There were about a hundred people, sitting in a large windowless lecture hall, when at one point, we were asked to close our eyes and get in touch with our worst fears... All around me, people were crying screaming and shuffling their feet (as if they wanted to escape)Yet, as hard as I tried to experience Fear, I could not stop laughing... In spite of the"order" to keep our eyes closed, I kept mine half open and was looking at the people around me... I noticed with amazement  their faces, which were twisted in various expressions of Terror...X"I can't believe how terrified they are!"  I told myself and for some reason it made me laugh... Later, as the participants were sharing their Fear, I  had nothing to say; besides the fact that I was Unable to get in touch with fears, since I was rarely afraid! 

  Later, people came to tell me how envious they were, but instead of enjoying their complements, I felt uncomfortable... Fear, I realized, is one of the Primary Human Emotions, which are meant to protect us! Being unable to experience it, made me feel as if I was missing, a very important human emotion...This realization, gave birth to a new and strange feeling of being Different; I felt 'Isolated' and lonely, as if something was 'wrong with me', (though I have always enjoyed my Freedom from Fear). Since my family friends and even stranger, were always expressing their Astonishment, I decided to try and find out, what  was it all about... Realizing that all children have fears, I searched my memory for any 'Old Fears' I must have experienced in my childhood, asking my subconscious mind, to release any hidden memories of fear and was finaly able to uncover two such occasions... The first, when I was two and a half years old and the second when I turned four...

Jerusalem, Israel 1945

Ima and me

  I am about two years old, sitting in my stroller, which 'Ima' (my mom) is pushing down Jaffa Street; the rode which connects Jerusalem to Jaffa... I am leaning back in my sit looking with fascination at the coffee shops, where people are sitting next to small tables; drinking, eating, smoking and talking... Some of them were reading Newspapers and listening to the music from the radio... The ladies' lips were very red, a few were wearing hats with colorful feathers on top. The men's hats looked like an Upside Down 'Flower Pots', the same as those we have on our porch.A man  was standing near a building, playing music on a very 'Small Piano' he was holding in his hands... I point at the small piano, looking at Ima questioningly... She tells me that it is called an Accordion and puts a few coins, in the little cup on the sidewalk, next to the man's shoe... From my low vantage point in the stroller, I am able to see many legs and all kinds of shoes, passing me by...The ladies have a 'long black line', on the back of their legs and their high heels shoes, make nice clicking sounds!

   In the store windows, I see dolls as big as people, wearing dresses and hats... Other shops have Pots and Pans, like those we have in our kitchen... When I see a store with toys, I begin to squirm in my stroller trying to get out and touch them, or at least look at them closer, but Ima refuses to let me out... I begin to cry and kick my legs, I feel like a prisoner, though I don't know yet the words to describe my frustration! In order to quiet me down, Ima stops at a small 'kiosk' and buys me and my brother an ice cream cone...

  Only once before, did I taste this 'cold sweat wonder'...when my mother bought an ice cream cone for      my brother Rami, who is five years older then me. Seeing Rami licking his ice cream, with relish, and I demand to have one too! Ima lets me taste his ice cream, then hands it back to him.. When I ask for more  she whispered something in Rami ear and he disappeared behind her back. Ima turns to me and says:“No more more ice cream, all gone!" I keep on turning around in my seat, looking for my brother who is popping up from behind Ima's  back; shows me the cone, takes a lick with a sigh of great pleasure, sticks his tongue at me and hides again... I thought he was playing 'Peek-a-Boo' game with me, so I was laughing each time he showed up, but when I see him licking the ice cream, with great pleasure and remember how Ima said “All gone!” I became very confused and started to cry.. Ima, who turned around and saw what Rami was doing, took the ice cream cone from him and put it in a nearby trash can. Rami started to wail and it makes me cry even louder...

   In later years, whenever  I was thinking of this incident, I would wonder what were the Immature Emotions, which were beginning to form in my 'Newly developed mind'...Was it a budding understanding of 'Lies and feelings of Betrayal, Hurt and Rejection', when my brother kept taunting me with the cone? Could it also be the Joy of revenge, when Ima took away the cone from him and threw it away? Or maybe feelings of guilt, mixed with compassion and love, for my older brother who was crying... However, this time I was alone with Ima, holding my very own cone; licking the ice cream and sinking into a cloud of Pink and White sweet pleasure... From time to time, Ima would take the cone away and lick the streams of ' Melting ice cream'...."No! Mine! Mine!" I protest loudly. Ima explains to me that she is licking the cone, so I will not dirty my pretty new dress. She gives it back to and I resume the 'delicious pleasure' of losing myself in this 'Sugary dream'... From time to time I look at Ima with suspicion, whenever she slows down and bends to wipe my face. I try to hide the cone from her saying "No! Mine!" It makes Ima laugh...I love the sound of her laughter and I also begin laughing...  

   Our vegetarian parents did not usually allow us to have ice cream, however since "Children want to     be like other kids..." they allowed us to have it "Once in a while!"  Years later, when I was about eight    or nine, I would have a Fantasy that someone invents an ice cream, which will 'Never Come to an End'   Let's go back to the story about my Younger Self... I am sitting in my stroller, going down Jaffa street enjoying my ice cream, when all of a sudden I hear a blood-curdling scream! My mother, who didn't      see the beggar woman, sitting on the sidewalk, bumped into the woman's outstretched legs with my stroller...  I find myself staring into the eyes of a horrible screaming Monster... Dark hair filthy gray       hair covers a part of her face, the toothless mouth seems like a dark cave and her screaming hurt  my         ears... My little body begins to shake with fear, but I can not take my eyes away from her... A terrible smell is coming from this woman and I am shaking with fear! I want to scream, but nothing comes        out of my mouth... People begin to gather around us; some are annoyed at Ima, for not being more   careful and hurting this poor woman!  Ima is pouring coins from her little red wallet, into the beggar's lap...  I finally begin to get out of my frozen state and hand my ice cream cone to the Monster...Could       it be an instinctive gesture, of some ancient Sacrificial Ceremony, popping up from the depth of my DNA? An old memory which reminds me, to give my most Treasured Possession to the 'Gods',in order     to stay alive?  "The Monster" garbs the Ice cream con and shoving it in to her mouth... I am frozen by 'Primal Fear', so different from the great pleasure, I was having, just a few moments ago! The memory stops there... 

With Love and Light,
Shira