The Hand of Fate OO . XX. Fix space below (change blue to black ). Photo with the Uzi... X Vv

Puerto Rico and St. Thomas
1970

Hello everyone, 

     In my last few posts I described the gradual healing of my broken heart; after finding out that Paul     the "Love of my life", married another woman... (New York, New York and Purging and Healing)in the          In  the post: Moving On, I have written about my slow recovery, during the time I  was living in the Upper-East side of Manhattan and was looking for the right university in Australia, to study toward my Masters' Degree in Psychology... I was able to find a teaching position in one of the few Hebrew Schools in Sydney and was getting ready for one more exciting move! I always made sure that my "Obsessive Traveler", would 'allow me' to combine my travels with studies towards a PhD degree... The only way    to  do so, was by teaching Hebrew and Jewish Studies, at the school of a local Jewish Congregation, so     I could make a living...The university in Australia, had the exact program I was looking for, in addition  to an excellent Job offer from Hillel (The International Jewish Students association) and I was invited     to  be in charge of the Hillel Activities at two of the universities... I was on a roll! It seemed as if most   of  my wishes are being fulfilled just because I expected it to be...Wow!

Streets of Old San Juan

   I had over three months of vacation before starting my job and studies in      the new Continent... Before the move, I planed to go back to Israel, in order      to see my family and friends, whom I haven't seen for almost two years and  then fly to Australia. Joe (Joseph) a close friend of my Roommate Avi, who lived in the Virgin Islands, came the previous year for a visit and was staying   in our apartmen for a week full of fun...I shared with him my plans to visit Porto Rico, which is next to the Virgin Islands, so I can attend some concerts    of the renown 'Pueblo Casals Festival'...(Did I tell you before I was a 'classical music' Freak?)  Avi invited me to visit him, in the near by island of St Thomas, where he lived; just one hour flight from Puerto Rico, the largest island in the Caribbeans... He also told me I could stay in his place before going to teach in P. R, so I could save the money I would pay for hotels... 

 

   Two years passed by since I have seen my family... I flew from N.Y to Israel, making a short to        stop  in Turkey (which I have not seen yet...) Five days later I took an El Al plain to Israel, where I  would  stay for a whole month, visiting with my family and friends and fly back to N.Y. where I was Staying with my 'Former Roommates' for several days, then take the airplane to Puerto Rico! Once    there, I visited the sister of a former 'Privet Student', with whom I became very friendly during her        stay in N.Y... The sister lived in Sun Juan, with her family and offered to get me ahead of time the  Concert Tickets for the yearly 'Pueblo Casals Festival', who was the well known music Composer         and Conductor from P.R! Since I was a 'Classical Music X'Freek' I couldn't believe my luck! This      lovely lady invited me for cocktails at her home, so I could meet local friends who took me to see          the places Tourists always wanted to see...  

 

    My new friends were singing and playing their guitars, as we walked along the of streets of Old         'San Juan.."This is Shira and she is a 'Sargent' in the Israeli Army! X I was introduced...We visited            a  mgnificent 'Spanish Style' old Synagogue, where Jewish kids, were studying in the Hebrew school          I was introduced to the Rabbi, who upon hearing, I was an Israeli and a Judeica and Hebrew Teacher declared that I was sent from the Holy Land (or from Heaven) since the congregation was desperate       for a teacher like me! The rabbi offered to double my celery if I agree... I couldn't believe my ears!     How can I even think about saying No?! "But you Must go to Australia, you gave your ward!" My shocked Inner criteqe was saying..."Don't worry so much!" I was talking to myself; "I can find a good excuse for the Rabbi in Australia, who knows maybe my"Bashert"(The destend Husband in Yiddish)        is waiting for me here... If I stay in Puerto Rico for a year, I would be able to save money and and take      a vacation which I realy deserve, after so many years of teaching and studying..."Do it Shira! Take a  break and rest for a year in this beautiful 'Gan-Ede' (Heavenly Garden)You worked hard, accomplish many things and it is now time to rest, you deserve it; go for it!"x I picked up the phone and told the      rabbi I would be happy to except his Job offer and move to Purerto Rico before school begins...

The Caribbean islands 

  There were two weeks before the school year began... I gave Joe's phone number to my new friends in Porto Rico and got on the small plain, which  would take me to San Thomas, in the Virgin Islands...  My heart was biting fast as I looked through the tiny window, at the magnificent colors of the Caribbean Islands below: It was 'Intoxicating'! My new friend was a perfect Host! He wouldn't say much about this work and I didn't push, after all he was Avi's friend, so I assumed it had something to do with the Israeli Secret Service and I didn't asked...

 

   Never before I imagined, that such beauty existed! The calm water with different shades of blue and        green, created a magnificent Torques Color...There were Rain Forests and lush Vegetation which I have never seen before! During the day I would walk in the Old Town, where the narrow streets were lined  with stalls, displaying typical Island clothes and paintings of local artists. The  many shops next to the  old  'Slaves Market', were crowded with Tourists from the Cruse Ships, which were flooding the islansd      People were buying duty free Cigarettes, Alcohol, Jewelry, Watches and other items which evidently   were much more expensive at home... I visited several Sugar and Rubber Plantations and swam... It     was 'Paradise'!  Joe would come back from his 'Mysterious Job'; around four or five in the afternoon  After he showered we set on the porch with a cool drink (No alcohol for me!) and were watching the magnificent shades of blue in the water below... At times it would feel as if I was in a kind of "Hypnotic Trance" as I was listening to 'Calypso' records my 'Host' collected and was singing with 'Harry Belafonte  '♪"Come mister Talyman taly me bananas, daylight come and me wanna go home ♪"... I was in heaven   

One evening the two of us were having 

Rain forest

an Israeli dinner (cooked by me) the phone rang and Joe picked it up..."Rabbi Waldenberg is on the phone!" He said handing me the receiver..."I am looking forward to see you here in September!" I heard the Rabbi's voice... For a moment I forgot all about the Teaching Position in Puerto Rico, then recalled the talk with the Rabbi about the up coming Job...X"What am        I doing? I Must go on with my Studies! Besides, what about the opportunity in Australia? I have just gone through difficult years of working hard to get my B.A   as well as teaching and studying to become a Certified Hebrew School Teacher  and was able to achieving all this, while trying to recover from a Broken heart! What could be so bad if    I take it easy for a year, rest a little, sit on the beach under a Coconut Tree and drink a Pina Colada... I deserve to have some fun! Australia could wait for another year! I will find a good excuse...When would    I have this kind of a Job Opportunity again? X I have already made a few friends here and a great Job is waiting for me... "Don't hesitate, go for it Shira!"X  

 

    Another voice joined in the conversation:" X"You must be  very careful; If you take this Job you may    never be able to finish your studies and become a Psychologist! Don't do it, even if it is tempting! You may be sorry if you did!" But I refused to listen..." I would be Teaching at this Hebrew School form September to June; Nine Months only! I am very tired from studding and deserve a break! I could also save some money for the first few months in Australia; Maybe even have a 'Temporary small romance' to erase the pain and attachment to Paul...I should stay in Puerto Rico for one year, it is only a short flight from these amazing Caribbean Islands! It could even help me erase the left over pain, over my separation from Paul  XAfter I shared these thoughts with Joseph, he said flirtatiously:x "Go for it Shira, I would be glad to be your guide!" The Tone' of his voice made me uncomfortable.. I felt no attraction to him and was beginning to wounder, how long it may take to get over my 'Attachment to Paul'; fearing it may never go away...  

Magen's Bay

   The following day, after Joe came back from his 'Mysterious Work', I was sitting on the terrace, taking in the breathtaking view of Megan Bay, when I suddenly heard the same "Inner Voice" which I heard in Detroit Michigan (The Dark Moment of the  Soul) I excused myself and left for my room, to be alone and think about this 'Turn of Evens"and how the 'Fog of Confusion' begins to lift..."I feel as if the hand of Faith is deciding for me!"X I was thinking, going inside to select another 'Calypso record' and admiring again, the magnificent view and 'Calm Peace', which I was surrounded with... I wrote letters to the University in Australia and the Hillel Organization, extending my deep regrets that due to 'Unforeseen serious events, I will have to postpone my arrival to Australia for the following school year and was hoping they would still want      me... I then called Rabbi Waldenberg, saying I will see him the following week in order to sighn the contract and get ready for the up coming school year... 

 

With Love and Light,
Shira

Moving Forward .X Photos disapeared , X OO. V (fix photo)

Hello everyone,

   The six months since I sublet my studio apartment in the Village, came to an end and I moved to the Upper West Side of Manhattan, into a lovely specious apartment, on the Tenth Floor of an impressive building, overlooking the Hudson River... I shared it with two Israeli roommates, bouth guys. One was Avi; who said he was working as a 'Gard' in the Israeli Consulate (I suspected he was an Agent of the Israeli Secret Service) We never talked about it (even though I was "Dying to know!")... Ariel, my other 'roommate' was a twenty one years old student, right after his Military Service in Israel, who was now a Freshman at N.Y.U.

   There were many people coming and going through our large and bright apartment... I was delighted    to leave behind me the Self-Imposed isolation, which I created for myself in the Village... The "Bulimia" cleared completely and my entire being' was sparkling with 'Joy of Life!'...  I was discovering again the    the pleasures of stimulating company, making new friends and most of all, delighted to get over my 'Self Imposed' months of loneliness, in my small Studio Apartment in the Village... The new apartment was known as the "Social Gathering Place', for Israelis who visited or lived temporarily in N.Y... We cooked dined and celebrated the Holidays and had many"Meaningful Discussion', until the 'Late hours of the Night'. We listened to popular records of the Beatles; Bob Dylan and Peter Paul and Mary,who were singing: "Where have all the flowers gone", together with other popular songs of the time...

    It was there when I had my first 'experience' with Marijuana... In Israel of those days, Marijuana was looked upon as one of the drugs only criminals use... My new friends, tried to convince me, that there is "Nothing Wrong" with smoking a little pot... But I strongly refused! After six months, they finally were able to convinced me to take a few puffs... After choking and coughing I found myself laughing and was  unable to stop... It seemed as if my senses were going through some kind of 'Amazing Awakening'! I felt as if I was a child again, who is discovering the world around her for the first time... It almost seemed as  if I was walking in the footsteps of our Biblical Eve; after taking the First Bit from the Forbidden Apple However, as incredible as this experience was, I decided that if I smoke it again, I would only do so with the man I love... I was also beginning to wonder if I will ever meet another man, I would be able to love  as much as I loved Paul...

   In those days Carnegie Hall, the Metropolitan Opera, in addition to Broadway and other Small theaters gave 'Leftover Tickets'  to Foreign Students... Ariel, who loved classical music as much as I did, made sure to get tickets for the best performances and the two of us, were busy going to many concerts and shows, we had time to go, between our classes and work... Our relationship reminded me of the one I developed in my short stay in Paris; with young Jacques, whom I teased and treated like a young brother (European Vacation) We cared for one another and made sure we were O.K, as Siblings do...

Yellow "Birds"

   When I was not teaching or studying, I walked all over Manhattan, fascinated by everything I saw; as if I was looking at Pictures in an Exhibition..The yellow cabs, seemed like flocks of doves; descending and stopping to collect several crumbs, which they found here and there...  Girls wearing pink and blue 'Tutus'  were climbing the old crooked stairs, to the Ballet Studio of 'Igor and Madam'  on 52  St and 7th Ave... An Italian Vendor was selling flowers on the corner of my street and was always smiling as I passed by to give me a flower, saying in his thick Italian Accent: "Bella  Bellisema!"X

Pagoda Phone booth

   I liked to stroll in the crowded streets of China Town, with it's restaurants and      Souvenir Shops...The public phone booths were decorated as if they were little Pagodas... I was walking by the United Nations Building, looking at the many colorful flags of the countries which they represented; swaying in the wind and  was watching the Diplomats, in their Tailored Suits,who were walking back and forth, along the many corridors, of the United Nation building; oblivious to the cleaning crew, which were shrinking to the side, when ever those 'Important People' walked by and rush back to resume their work of polishing the Marble Walls and washing (again) the Shiny Floor...

The UN building

   Everything in N.Y was exciting! The different Ethnicity of the people, rubbing elbows on the busy sidewalks...The Greengrocer were, proudly showing off, their fresh colorful fruit and vegetables, neatly arranged in boxes. 'Hot Dog' stands and I was looking at the Horse and Buggy in Central Park, next to the Plaza Hotel, looking for 'passengers'... The fancy stores on 5th Ave, were 'teasing' the freezing people on the street, by displaying Bathing Suits and Bikinis for Cursing, Looking at the Coffee shops and the 'Waitresses' who were wearing tiny white caps and pink dresses, covered with white Lace Aprons, which made them look like 'Wrinkled little girls'... I particularly enjoyed looking at the Tulips, which suddenly appeared after the snow, at the middle of the boulevards, blooming like small red flames along Park Avenue and Columbus Circle...

Flowers vendor

    I once took the elevator to the top of the One Hundred and Twenty Stories, of  the Empire State Building and was looking down, watching the Sky-Scrapers of Manhattan... From such height it is hard to see the filth and garbage,which was not collected, the neglected children with runny noses, the drug addicts, the prostitutes and pimps on the street corners.. Everything looked lovely from where I stood... After all the Law of Nature tells us, that 'Small Things' are Always Beautiful: Like Babies, Puppies, Kittens and even little Hippos and baby Pigs...

The Empire
State Building

   As I was looking down, I could see a tiny Miniature of a 'Clean and Innocent Manhattan', small and vulnerable, as if it could be wiped off the face of the earth by one sneeze of a Storybook Giant..."Is this how God sees our world, when he looks down?"... One day after a long visit in the near by Museum, I saw a small Park near 5th Ave and Broadway and sat on a bench to rest my feet. Next to me on top of a Marble Pillar, stood a Life Size bronze statue of a Seated Man... His head which was bowed down, looked so real it seemed as if he was staring at me  I noticed the lines of sadness on his face and the empty spots, at the center of his head; where the 'Bronze Hair' didn't growl; feeling sad for him:A poor lonley man sitting like this day and night, month after month, summer and winter; who can not even lift his arm to chase away the annoying birds which were landing on his face, arms and hand; feeling sorry for him...

   Suddenly, like a Ray of Sun appearing from behind a cloud, and a thought came in to my mind...It made me realize that I no longer have to wounder about the content of the book, which I wanted to write! It will be about this Amazing City! I will write about Manhattan! And so I did.... I stopped my long walks and set next to the huge old desk, beneath the window of our apartment, overlooking the Hudson River and started to write... According to Avi: "This desk should bring you luck with the book, since it served several Israeli scholars and writers before! I gently passed my fingers on the smooth, dark Mahogany Wood, and felt a "Chill' climbing up my spine... I visualized my loyal 'Small Typewriter', placed  on this desk as I begin to write about  N.Y. The Giant City which never sleeps... Using a 'Poetic License', I wrote short stories like Rhyme-less Poems, describing the essence of Manhattan: The rhythm and flavors the colors, smells and sounds, as well as the similarities and contradictions of this city which I fell in love with... I would write tear up the page and start all over again, until I was finally pleased...By the end of four months I was able to have a collection of fifty short stories in Hebrew...

   One of our Israeli visitors, who was going back home, offered to take my 'New born book'  to a Publishing House in Tel Aviv..To my surprise and delight, my little book was accepted for"Publication!" It would take several more months to see the light.The reviews were mixed  One Critic praised it's "Original style", while another wrote it had "No Unity. Three hundred copies of my small yellow book were sold. I guess it was not the 'Masterpiece' was dreaming  about writing in high school, but I was satisfied and named it:"Crumbs from Manhattan."

With Love and Light,
Shira

Purging and Healing.. V,X. 00V V

Hello everyone,

    I usually try to incorporate some 'New Age news' in my blog... However, although there is a lot to    share, about the amazing changes which take place, as we move towards the 5D;"The Fifth Dimension"    I feel that my previous post did not quiet come to an end... So I'll skip the news and go back to 1969   when I lived in Greenwich Village for awhile, before moving to the Upper West Side of Manhattan.

   In the post New York, New York, It's a Wonderful Town  I described, how my suppressed pain over  Paul's Marriage, burst out like an" Emotional Flood", after receiving a letter from my friend Tsipi, about  Paul's visit and her understanding, that he was very unhappy... I wrote in that post how I was taken back  to painful and dark moments, after I heard about his marriage and painful feelings of lose, betrayal and extreme Loneliness...The pain got worst when I forced myself to go out on dates...The moment my 'Date' tried to hold my hand, put his arm around me or give me an innocent 'Good Night Kiss' I would cringe  my head would pound with severe 'Migraine Headache, I would be Nauseated and couldn't wait to come back to my apartment and throw up... After several times of such reactions I realized that I was in trouble and needed help... (The ward 'Bulimia' was not known yet...)

   I finally found a Psychiatrist, who was willing to give me a 'Student Discount' and start Therapy for    the first time in my life... The young doctor, gave me a choice of sitting on the chair, across from his    table, or recline on a comfortable sofa by the wall: I chose the sofa... He was holding a notebook and spoke very little, encouraging me to explore and express myself, when I had difficulties arriving to my own Conclusions...He didn't have to do much; my "Aha Moments" kept on coming one after the other with great speed... I often heard a note of admiration in the doctor's voice, like the time I talked about    my idea of using the Power of the Mind, to create some kind of "Alchemy", which turns the Negative thoughts and emotions, in to Positive; the way we do with the power of Electricity: Creating Heat in          the winter or the other way around: Cold in the summer the time...

   As my therapy progressed, this young doctor, tried to help me understand, what was going on with     me... I was shocked to learn that the Uncontrollable urge of Eating and Purging, was not uncommon          I am not sure if during those days, it was already called Bulimia, but the mere fact, my doctor said I      was not the "Only one on this planet", who suffers from such strange behavior, was a great relief!  Therapy helped me realize that as long as I was blaming Paul for our breakup, I was making myself          a Victim! By nature, victims are weak, fearful, dependent and helpless. Feeling Helpless is what     Bulimia is all  about;  as if it was an attempt to Purge the emotional pain... 

   Being helpless, was the last thing I expected to be, since I defined myself as a very powerful person, who always accomplished most of my goals! Even though I began to assume responsibly for My part      in the Breakup with Paul, before starting therapy, analyzing it with a Psychiatrist, was very liberating      by enabling me free myself, from the Helplessness of  being a Victim...The therapy was helping me realize, that I was finally allowing myself to "Morn" my lost relationship with Paul and understand that instead of being afraid of the"Attacks" (as I called the Bulimic episodes) I should embrace them, since they were helping me release Toxic Emotions of pain and helplessness... This way of thinking: the 'Importance of embracing the "Bad", by giving it a "Good meaning", would become my personal       'Life's Philosophy' and the Corner Stone of my future work as a Psychologist... 

  The "Aha" moments, kept on coming even outside the Psychiatrist's office...After getting to know     most of the 'Village', I would walk through other parts of the city, feeling Free and Liberated! Just          as  it was on the Queen Anna Maria, I must have been 'Radiating' the same kind of Energy' which  attracted people to me... (Love Potion). I was approached by strangers (both men and women) in  museums, book stores, galleries, coffee shops and even on the subway... People started conversations  with  me and seemed reluctant to say goodbye... Even my Neighbors in the Village, who didn't notice         me before; were suddenly behaving as if I was an old friend...

   There was one more person who was attracted to this New Light' I seemed to radiated...As the therapy progressed, my Psychiatrist was slowly inching his chair, closer and closer to the side of the sofa, on  which I was lying and started to stroke my arm... I was very naive in those days, believing he was trying  to comfort me... At one point I began to feel confused and uncomfortable, I stopped talking and stared at him for several moments, wondering if I was imagining things..."Is the way I touch your arm makes you feel good?" The doctor asked... I was stunned, confused, and searching for the proper answer..."Is this what they call Touch Therapy?" I finally asked, remembering hearing something about it before... The doctor did not answer, he kept on stroking me and then said: "Do you like me?" I hesitated, confused        and unsure of what my response should be...  "Until now I believed you are an  excellent Psychiatrist!"      When I first came to see you, I was in a bad place... You helped me a lot! I no longer vomit and the pain over Paul seems to be getting lighter!" XI said. "I am glad I was able to help, but what I really want to know is if you like me as a Man?" The doctor said and moved his hand to stroke my hair; "Accidentally'' touching my breast. My confusion turned into alarm:"What is going on?" I was asking myself, "Was I Imagining things? Did he really touch my breast or was it an accident?... How about those strokes of my arm and hair? Did I just imagined it? Was it my fault? Maybe I gave him the wrong idea? Am I so stupid and naive, not to recognize what was going on just now? "No! am not stupid, nor am I naive! This man is breaking his Doctor-Patient confidentiality?!"

  For a few moments I was speechless, then recovering quickly, moved his hand away, stood up and looked down at him... "You asked me if I like you as a man, I said calmly, "To be honest, you are not        at all my Type... I prefer tall and well built men, with a nice head of hair! I particularly dislike Skinny Short and Balding men like you! Your arms, hands and even your upper fingers, are covered with hair  and I am sure it is the same with the rest of your body: Just like a monkey! The answer to your question   is NO! I don't 'like you as a man' ! As a matter of fact, I find you Repulsive! I am also realizing, that you  are not fit to be a Psychiatrist! I should report your behavior, but you are not worthy of wasting my time!" I picked up my bag and left the room, closing the office door behind me for the last time!

#MeToo movement (female sexual abuse)
Started in 2006, popularized in 2017

With Love and Light,
Shira

♪ New York, New York, It's a Wonderful Town! ♪ . 'X Fix Poems V T

Hello everyone,

    In my post The Dark Moment of the Soul, I described one of the most intense year of my life; the one    I spent in Detroit Michigan, where I received my B.A and how I took the Greyhound bus to Manhatten     in N.Y...   At first I was going to enter the local university and continue with my plans to receive my   M.A in Psychology, but decided to take a break from school for one semester...I rented a tiny apartment   in Greenwich Village, which belonged to an Israeli student who took a year off and went to Israel. He introduced me to his friends, (all students like me) and instructing them to take good care of me and take good care of his apartment... I found a job as a Hebrew school teacher and was ready to begin the book I was planing to write... To my surprise, I realized that I had no idea what to write about... My new friends invited me to parties where I may meet a nice guy, but my heart did not heal yet from the pain over Paul    I wanted to be by myself after the past year, where every moment of my life was scheduled... I got a job teaching Hebrew and Judaism to adults and was getting ready to discover Manhattan,"The city which never sleeps..." 

    I was walking all over the East and West Village, Soho in the south, Chelsea in the north, taking in the special flavors and colors of the quaint old streets... The Village was filled with happy Hippies, children and artists, who were displaying their 'Goods' on the side walks: Paintings, carved Wooden ornaments and 'Tie-Dye' skirts and dresses... I felt "Care Free" and was roaming the streets, intoxicated by the smell of the Patchouli oil drifting in the air, mixed with another poignant scent which I did not recognize. Months later I would learn it was Cannabis...

A street in the Village	Wooden Ornaments	Tie dye clothes

   About ten days after my move to the Village, a letter from Tsipi, arrived  to my new address in          N.Y.  Congratulating me for making two dreams come true: Getting my B.A and moving to Manhatten    She wished me good luck in the writing of my book...After giving me the latest gossip about our friends  in Israel, she asked me to be ready for a big surprise (almost a 'shock'!) An unexpected visitor came to   see her: Paul! He left Israel shortly after I did, to serve in Indonesia as the First Secretary of the Austrian Embassy, stopping in Israel for a short 'Work Visit' and came to see Tsipi and the new baby girl ... When he told her how sad he has been over our separation, Tsipi, who always spoke her mind, told him that his fear about "'Shira's suffering from Antisemitism" and his fear and concerns of being unable to protect me in such a case"; sounded like an excuse... She also said that he probably didn't love me enough, to take a chance...This upset Paul greatly and he told Tsipi how wrong she was, evidently he had no idea how much he loved and still Loves me and was still suffering by our separation...  Tsipi added that Paul seemed very sad (actually"Heart broken") and even though he didn't say it, she got the impression that his marriage was not what he expected it to be...  

     If Tsipi was hoping this news would make me feel better; she was wrong... The rest of my suppressed pain over Paul marriage, erupted without warning; like a 'Tsunami" which was threatening to consume me... "So it was all for nothing!" A part of me was saying; "At least if one of us was happy, but it seems  we are both miserable now!" Even though I was supposedly the "Injured one", I felt sorry for Paul, I knew that his marrying this Austrian Woman, was an attempt to "Avoid the complications which our marriage will create... I still loved him and thinking about the pain he would feel, as the result of making such a big mistake, made me sad for him... Like watching an old movie I was playing in my mind, the times Paul and I hung together and our long conversations, regarding his fears of getting married... Being an optimist  I was sure that in spite of all the stumbling blocks, we would be able to make it, trusting in our powerful love to wipe away the old prejudice and bitterness of our 'Parents Generation!'  I judged him a bit for giving in to our fears... Was his career really going to suffer, because his wife was Jewish and a former Israeli soldier in the IDF?  Is it enough to give up Such Love, one is lucky to experience in a life time, if  at all? Were we both destined to live the rest of our lives with partner, who may be but a shadow of what we were to one another?  Did I try enough, instead of packing and leaving?  There was no answer...

  I needed to write again! Writing always calmed me and sharpened my clarity... Besides, I had to fulfill the promise I made myself in high school, about 'Living in Greenwich Village and write a Masterpiece!'    I turned to my old diary and began to realize how in a way, it was easy for me, to blame Paul for our breakup; so I wouldn't have to face My hidden fears which were berried under the layers of my Extreme Optimism... Wasn't I the one who said "Not yet!", when he spontaneously suggested in Italy, that we get married right there and then? (A Love Story) I had to admit to myself that even though, I felt Paul was my one and only Love, a part of me wasn't sure, if I could fit into his 'Diplomatic World', since I detested the formal, fancy and rigid dinner parties and found the conversations in the cocktail parties very boring and  insincere... I knew it will be hard for me to 'watch what I say' and make sure to always be "Politically Correct", rather then speak up my mind as I always did!  Was my love for Paul so strong, I would be willing to give up my Authentic Self and change the essence of who I actually was (A 'Rable"X and        Fighter for Justus), in order to fit into the Diplomatic world?

A lonely
park bench

Alone in
the Village

    As the days past by another disowned fear, regarding marring Paul       began to surface... It was an image of myself with two blond German speaking kids, arriving for a visit, with my family in Israel and facing           my uncle Chaim, who lost his entire family by the hands of the German Gestapo: His Grandparents, parents, sisters, brothers, uncles, aunts and     ten of his nephews and cousins; who were  all sent to the Gas chambers     of the Concentration Camps! The fact that I finally realized how my pain disowned fears, could be one of the factors in our breakup, did not make the pain any lighter... I was walking for hours, getting to know every street and Ally in the "Village". When I got tired I would sit on a bench in the small park, away from the happy Hippies, who were singing and playing their guitars.  I was watching old people feeding pigeons, proud smiling mothers looking after their kids, who were playing in the sand box and was trying to forget the throbbing ache of my broken heart...

   If I was able to know that three years later, I would  meet and be marry Al and be in love with both     my husband and our darling baby girl Karen... If I was only able to see the future; I might have been   able to escape the 'unbearable heartache, loneliness and suffering' ,which I felt in the"Village". Maybe      if I could have realized, that perhaps this kind of Agony, might have been necessary for my emotional development and Spiritual growth; I would realize that just like the iron, which must go through 'Fire'      in order to be Molded and Shaped, I also needed to go through the pain which came to strengthen and prepared me for my true destiny: "Being able to relate to the pain and suffering of my future patients  when I would finally become a Psychologist and help them heal!" The pain I felt was so strong, it was almost unbearable... About a week after I left the Psychiatrist office, I woke up with an uncontrollable      urge to write about my love affair with Paul! For two months I was writing compulsively, completing  thirty nine poems... When I finally put my pen down, I experienced a great relief and a sense of peace   and purification, as if I have just cleared a good portion of the lingering pain and attachment to Paul 

UP

UP

- Separation - Alone on the other side of time we stand apart Siamese twins whose joint heart cut in half Orphaned brother and sister severed  from one another when the trains  came to a halt in front of the chimneys where the Lord rained fire and brimstone We escaped  ran for our lives leaving our young  Love to die to be gassed  with our doubts to burn  with our fears we looked behind us and turned  to pillars of ice standing apart the cold winds wander through the empty chambers of our hearts   and the snow From our hearts.

from our eyes.

- Conclusion - The passing years erase  your image softly the teeth of time gnaw  slowly at your face my memories are yellow with the usage like falling leaves they crumble to the floor Before we held  our hands lifted up  our arms and soared to heaven Now  we landed each on different shores was the splendor of our love so golden because  the end was always  waiting at the door?

With Love and Light,
Shira

The Dark Moment of the Soul .X X X. OO V

Hello everyone,

Detroit, Michigan

   The Hebrew school principal and his wife, who met me at the Airport, invited me to stay at their home  They helped me buy a used car and find a suitable apartment next to the temple, which was within thirty    minute ride to the university... My life seemed to be divided in half: During the the morning hours, I was  a Student at the university of Detroit (which was build in 1877)  It had a beautiful campus, lined with Elm Trees and old stone buildings, were the students attended their classes.I was working hard! During the day I was a student at the University and in the afternoons and was teaching Hebrew and Jewish Studies at a Jewish Temple's school... I used to joke that I felt as if I had a 'Split Personality'... I made several friends but was way too busy for 'Real Relationships'...There was only one good thing about being so busy I had no time to think about Paul or morn the 'Death' of our relationship...

Winter in Detroit

University of Detroit

   The month of September passed by and for the first time in   my life, I realized what a 'Cold Winter 'could be; unlike the mild winters in Israel.. Black clouds, heavy rain and freezing wind as well as much snow and slippery ice.. I was very busy rushing from the university to teach at the Temple, go over my students' Home Work, as well as doing my own...I had no time to do much else. For a few moment before falling asleep, I was able to think about Paul, the man I loved so much, who was so far away... But I was so tired, I couldn't even feel how much I missed him... The two of us exchanged letters (No money for Over Sea's phone calls...) Paul was writing how lonely he felt, how much he missed me and how painful it was, to come  back to an empty house... I tried to comfort him, writing that the time would pass fast and before we  know it the two of us would be together again... I was repressing my fears about  the 'problems' our marriage may create for the two of us, telling myself that our powerful love would be able to overcome any obstacle on our way! In the meantime I had a few serious problems to deal with... Two and a half months after the Hebrew school opened; the teachers,who were mostly Israeli students, decided to strike  calming they were not able to live on their small salary... It seems that even before I arrived, this was an on going problem between the Israeli teachers and the board of directors... After the answer which came from  from the Board was "NO!"  The teachers decided to strike and I suddenly found myself without a job! A week later my car was stolen...

   I had no insurance, since I had to save every extra dollar for car payments and had to look for rides       to the University and back. I was trying to keep up my grades and had no time to notice, that Paul's  letters were not coming as often as before... On one freezing Saturdays, the Mailman rang my bell and handed  me a special delivery letter from Tsipi... She wrote how terribly sorry she was, to give me the   bad of bad news, that Paul got married to an Austrian Journalist, he met in Israel... She asked me to be strong and never forget how powerful I am, saying she was certain I would soon get over this shock and was asking me to remember how strong I realy am and that X"Everything is happening for good reason"  She wrote X"I am sure that soon you realize, that Paul was not the right man' for you'! I Xthe mean time all our friends are sending me you their love"...

   Shortly after Tsipi's letter I received one from Paul... He asked for my forgiveness, confessing that          he was not 'Strong enough',  to deal with all the complications, our marriage would create'...He wrote  how  much he loved me and how I changed his life... "I believe that one day, you will realize that this break up, was the best thing for the two of us!" I did not write back. I don't remember much of the days    after receiving the shocking news; it felt as if I was getting one blow after another: My stolen car, the teachers strike and Paul's betrayal... The pain was so intense I had to numb myself! So I closed my heart shutting off my emotions and was functioning like a Robot; with no emotions at all! I received an A in   all my classes at the university and was praises by my teachers, for the papers I handed in. Tsipi would  later tell me:"Reading your letters made me feel as if your soul left your body"... My parents who were    in touch with Tsipi, were sick with worry...They wrote, begging me to come back home. They also called "It is not the right time to be all alone in another country!" My mother said tearfully and handed the phone to my Dad. "Listen Shira'le, you are now going through a very difficult time! Through out our life we experience Loses, Pain, disappointment and  Hardships... Needless to say that you can always come back home, but you will be Running Away from the Battlefield. Life is  now testing your endurance and strength... Remember that just as People can not survive without Light, they would not be able to survive without Darkness; which is just as important as the Light is for our growth and help us build Survival kills and Spiritual Muscles... You can do it Shira! You Will do it and be stronger then ever! Remember you are not alone! Ima and I are always with you, during these difficult times! We love and support you and most of all; We Believe in You!"

   The day after my parents called, I was leaving my class at the university and was walking to the next one in a farther building... It was freezing and slippery; the ground was covered with a thick carpet of snow... I was walking in slow motions like Neil Armstrong did, when he was taking his first steps on      the moon... My heavy boots were sinking in the deep snow and I was barley able to lift one foot after     the other. The sky was covered with Black Clouds, such as I have never seen before in  the mild winter      of Israel...  In spite of my father's reassuring words I felt hopeless... I couldn't go on, all I wanted was      to lie down on the inviting soft white carpet of snow, close my eyes and go to sleep; covered by blanket   of white flakes... Suddenly I heard a voice; a pleasant 'Baritone' of an older man:X"This, is Also a part   of the Human Experience!"It  was saying... x I looked around but no one was there... On my left was    a very small chapel, which I saw many times before, but payed it no attention. This time, my legs were   taking me inside... There were only ten small benches in this tiny church; five on each side. I set on the last bench, watching  a Nun kneeling and praying in front of a statue of Jesus... I was never comfortable  in churches, it seemed as if I was betraying my"Jewish God"... I don't know how long I was sitting there    before I realized that something strange was taking place... A Ray of Light came through the colorful stained glass window and touched my forehead, leaving me with feelings of Peace and Inner Joy, such    as I have never experienced before, not even when I was a in my parents arms, or with Paul's...

   In my post "The day I lost God" I wrote about the time I was a twelve years old child, who lost her belief in God... It would take fifteen years and a broken heart to find it again, in Detroit, Michigan... I  believe that this spiritual experience had nothing to do with religion; God can be found in many places Church, Synagogue, Mosque, Buddhist Temple or in any peaceful place in Nature: A top of a mountain, an open filed or a yellow sand desert, on snow covered roads and even in the middle of Manhattan,where  I would have another incredible spiritual awakening, eight years later...

Three "penguins"

Marygrove College

   I don't know how long I was sitting in the tiny chapel, trying to let go of my pain and hopelessness; when I noticed how my rational mind,was beginning to "X I had to pay full attention  to my survival! The excruciating pain over Paul's betrayal,will be dealt with later, I have to pay full attention to my studies and get good grades!" X Luckily, I didn't have to pay Tuition since I was given a scholarship... I would have to find a place to live closer to the university, until the strike in the Hebrew school is over! X "Now is not the time or place to indulge in the pain of a Broken Romances! Snap out of it and move on!"x When I finally left the chapel, I felt calmer and peaceful... On my left was the buildings of Mary Grove College; which were built around 1877... In the first building lived an Order of Nuns, the classrooms were located in the second building and the third on, served as Dormitory for Out of State and Foreign Students...  

    An idea hit me like a bolt of lightening!  Ten minutes later I found myself sitting across the desk of    the 'Mother Superior'', telling her about my problems... "I hope it doesn't make a difference to you that       I am Jewish"... I said. "I came from Israel recently, never expecting to face such serious difficulties ! I       would be most grateful if I could stay at your dormitory, so I don't miss classes and be happy to pay  when the strike in the school I teach in, would be over!"  Not only did she say I was welcome to stay      in  the Dorms and take my meals in the dining room, for as long as I need: free of charge, she  also       said it was an Honor and Privilege, to extend hospitality to a young woman from the Holy Land!"        Our lord  Jesus was also Jewish you know!" She smiled...To show my appreciation, I offered to share  with the students information about Israel and use the slide show, which I brought with me from Israel      It would enable the students, to see the places were Jesus lived, traveled and created Miracles... The Mother Superior was delighted! She stood up and asked :"Are we the nuns invited as well, or is it for students only?"  I was laughing for the first time in many days: "You will be the guests of honor!" I answered. "Is there anything else I can help you with, my child?" The kind Nun asked, as she walked     me to the door..."Well, I was wondering if I could take extra classes during Summer School, so I may      be able to graduate early...The Mother Superior said she would talk to the 'Dean' and a few days later      I was told my request was granted!

    Next I met with the Temple's President and told him about my situation... It was Friday morning and   on the afternoon, his wife came to pick me up for the Sabbath Dinner in their home...The Rabbi who heard about my 'Predicaments', spoke to the Temple Committee and I was assured of getting my salary each month during the strike! My hostess jokingly expressed her concern, that the nuns may try to convert me to Christianity..."If any one would be doing conversions; it would be Shira who will convert the nuns to Judaism!" The Rabbi said... A few days later I received a used car, donated by one of the congregants    I wrote to thank him, saying that since Christmas and our Hanukah, are so close; I feel as if there must be  a Jewish Santa Clause..."I do not thank you for the car only, I am thanking you for teaching me a lesson  in Generosity! When I start working, I am going to be as Generous to people in need, as all of you were   to me!" I kept and still keep my promise! 

   Even though the strike came to an end and I had a car again, I gave up my apartment...I was comfortable in the dormitory, made friends and the nuns were very happy to have X"A gust from from the Holy Land! At one point I realized that if I attend Summer School, I would be able to graduate earlier then I expected by combining the credits from the University of Huston, the University of Detroit and that of Mary Grove Collage... My new challenge was to have enough money to survive during the summer, when the Hebrew school and Dorm were closed for vacation...  An elderly couple from the congregation, whose children left home, invited me to stay in their house for the summer... I had several private students, but still needed an additional income to cover my basic needs and prayed for a miracle...    

Ruthy and I (standing

)

"The Two Sabras"

   My new friend Ruthy, was an Israeli woman who lived in Detroit, with her American husband Bob and their five years old daughter...Ruthy loved to play her guitar and sing. I was  often invited to celebrated with them Friday nights dinner dinners and after dinner ,we would sit in the garden, where Ruthy was playing her guitar and the two of us sang Israeli songs. One evening an idea crossed mind: What if the two of us, would describe the history of Israel through the songs of our early Pioneers, who came from Russia to settle in the Holy Land... Their songs were about draining the swamps cultivating fields and planting vines and citrus trees... Ruthy and I sang the songs of these pioneers, who came from Russia to Palestine (present time Israel) which was under the Turkish rule... Someone heard us singing and to our surprise, we were invited to sing at Jewish organizations, several Hebrew schools and eventually at privet parties...

Click to enlarge

The two Sabras

    In between songs I used the Slideshow, praying that the photos together with the verbal History lesson, I gave in between the songs would divert the audience attention, from the fact we were not realy 'Professional Singers'... To my total amazement it worked! We named ourselves:"The Two Sabras"(Israeli born") and appeared in Jewish temples as well as private parties...To our surprise or rather shock, we were getting swamped with invitations...After graduating and receiving my B.A; I was getting ready to move on, despite Ruth urging me to stay and continue singing. Never before did I consider myself to be a singer... I always planed to become a writer, a psychologist or both... My next step was to look for a graduate school in N.Y."Why New York when there are graduate schools right here in Detroit?"  My friends asked... But my mind was made up! I was going to fulfill my old dream of living in Manhattan and write my first book! I said Goodbye to all the wonderful people I got to know in Detroit,  the teachers in the the Hebrew school and the dear Nuns. I did not have enough money for a Plain ticket; so I carried my two heavy suitcases, to the bus station (no wheels for suitcases yet...)  and took the a Greyhound bus    to N,Y city and was ready to start my new adventure in the "Big Apple"...

With Love and Light
Shira

Love Story and my Metaphysical/Spiritual Experience".(Change color of Red to black ) V X

Hello everyone,

   A few of my of my blog's readers, expressed frustrations, when I wrote about 'Spirituality and Metaphysical Experiences'; calming: "It was kind of scary"...  At one point in my life, I realized              that many people fear certain wards; like 'Past Lives', 'Future Life' or 'Out of the Body Experience'           The ward 'Metaphysics would become clearer, after I share with you a part of my life's story; the         time I met my 'First Love': "Paul Liefer", who was on his way to Israel, where he would be serving            as the First Secretary of the Austrian Embassy... At one point I offered Paul to take him on him on             a trip which would help him become more familiar with Israel: The old city of Cesarea... The two           of us, were walking in one of the ancient streets of this newly discovered city, when I suddenly found myself going through a strange and scary experience, which left me confused and a bit scared...                              

             My First M.S.E (Metaphysical/ Spiritual Experience.  Change red to black

   I was excperiencing some kind of a powerful 'Knowing', almost a memory, of a time      when Paul and I, were "Walking Together in this same street "... It was during the Roman occupation of Judea (present time Israel) Paul was warped in a Roman Toga and I was dressed in a White Gown, with gold embroidery near the neck and the sides of the sleeves  The two of us were walking in a busy city, where stores with wide open doors, displayed   Meat, Fish , Vegetables, Bread and other kinds of food... Across the narrow street, were  other kind of stores... We were listening to the lively conversations, going on and could     hear sounds of 'good nature' bargaining, mixed with joyful and loud laughter....  

  When I was telling Paul about this strange experience, I was going through he said:" What you are   telling me now, makes me feel very Uncomfortable"... A sharp pain pierced my heart and a brief heart  braking thought was crossing my mind: 'He doesn't remember'... An unbearable wave of sadness, mixed with sharp and intense confusion, was feeling my heart and I had to 'choke down' my tears.. Later as we set in Paul's car on our way back to his place, the two of us were silent...I couldn't quite comprehend what was going on, or why I felt so Sad... The idea of having a "Past Life Experience", was unfamiliar to me      I could see from the corner of my eye, how Paul was sending me 'Inquisitive Glances', but I didn't say a ward; he was used to my bubbly, talkative personality and seemed to be confused, by my strange silence  he did not ask me what was going on and I was very grateful he didn't; because I could not understand it myself...

An entrance to Cesarea	Main street...	Foundations of  a house	Excavated homes

   "A coincidence, is God's way of remaining anonymous!"X I read somewhere... Was it destiny which brought us together? Is there such a thing as 'Past Life?' "I don't think so!" I heard my Inner  Cynic was saying. "It was just a coincident, which brought you and Paul together! Don't be silly, neither God nor Destiny, were behind the fact that the two of you Fell in Love!" Francine Du Plesix Grey says :Flaubert believed that all of us are victims of Romanticism: We have been victimized by the Propaganda Machine  of the Western Novel"... This saying, may have more than a grain of truth to it, since besides the books about Romantic Love I devoured in my youth, I must have been 'Hypnotized', by the Hollywood movies, where the camera captures the 'Hero and Heroine', saying a tearful goodbye, before one of them  is boarding an airplane, a ship or a moving train while the other stands on the pavement and waving "Good By", from the open window... 

   Since I worked as a Drama Teacher in several schools (Often writing and directing some of the plays) My 'Inner Cynic',was telling me, I must have also, written the script for this 'love affair' and selected Paul and myself to Star in this "Movie"... After all, what could be more dramatic or romantic then a story or      movie about a tragic young love... Was I trying to create a new version of "Romeo and Juliet"?  Could      it be that my 'Inner Optimist', was hoping, that by falling in love with the "Enemy"(Paul) I may bring 'a closure', to the deep hatred of my people in Israel, towards any German and Austrian; by falling in love with one of "the enemy"? Paul told me about the parting wards, he heard from his Mother and aunt, just before he came to Israel:X"Just don't bring us any 'Jewess' from the Holy land... Was my romantic Inner Author, trying to create a modern version, of 'Romeo and Juliet', by giving the story a happy ending? Was  I over- analyzing and our Love affair took place, simply because Paul and I, were two young people at the prime of their lives, who simply fell madly in love with one another...

"Glamor Girl"		Paul in the Austrian Army		"Reflective"

    The two of us were avid readers, enjoyed Theater, Art and Music, especially Classical and Jaz..X        We bouth liked intellectual discussions...(even heated arguments at times!) Sheared a similar sense of humor and were romantic, loving and passionate... On the other hand after two cocktail parties, given     by the Austrian Embassy, I told Paul that X 'This Kind of Socializing'  was not for me... I found the gathering group of people, talking and sipping their cocktails; 'Shallow and Phony' the Conversations 'Forced' and the' Hilarity Fake'... I had a feeling that many of the people, were Social Climbers...I have    to admit that in those years, I was 'A bit  'Intolerant and  Judgmental; though I was able to 'Camouflage'    it quite well... After meeting me the Ambassador told Paul, he found me to be"Beautiful and Charming Highly Intelligent and very Genuine!" Asking him, to bring me to other formal dinners and (the dreadful) Cocktail Parties... I politely refused to go, encouraging Paul to go by himself, delighted to stay in the small, rented house, busy writing plays for my students in the Drama Class... Paul had a large Record Collection and one of my favorites was Jacques Brell sad love song: "Ne me quite pas" (If you go away)  which broke my heart whenever I listened to it.Was it kind of a 'Premonition' of our future relationship?

    The group of friends, Tsipi and I created while serving in the army, learned to like and even 'love Paul' after criticizing me at the beginning, for getting involved with an Austrian..."(The Austrians were worse then the Germans during the Second World War!”)  My friends, repeated what their parents were saying However, after meeting and getting to know Paul better, they changed their minds... Paul had three single friends at the embassy, who joined our group... We used to gather at his place, talk, sip wine and watch slides from Paul's trips to Russia and other countries he visited...We went to the movies, danced in night-clubs and ate in popular restaurants... However, the two of us preferred to spend most of our weekends alone... Going to the beach and travel to well known Historic and Biblical places which Paul read about My Archeologist best friend 'Berkowitz', was delighted to take us....

   We went to the Movies and Concerts at the Israeli Philharmonic, visited art galleries, shopped and   cooked together and spent long and leisurely hours in bed; stroking each other's skin...We reviled a      few intimate details from our lives to each other, sharing the horrors of the wars we bouth experienced      as young kids... Paul who was six years older then me, told me about the 'Non Stop' bombing of Austria during the Second World War and the Hunger people suffered, before the allies invaded his country and   I  was describing my scary experiences in Jerusalem, during the War of Independence, when I was only  four years old... The two of us talked for hours, laughing and at times wiping a tear, as the topic of our separation would come up; the day Paul leaves Israel and moves on to another country, in order to serve  as an Ambassador in different countries, around the world... 

   Growing up is not easy, it is hard to create one own 'Unique Personality' and stop being our parents 'Beloved baby"... I was going through a period of painful, but amazing experience of 'giving birth' to emotions of Humility and Surrender; which would help me open a the doors to the Spirituality and Mistesism. X.. I believe, it gave me the strength and ability, to go through the process of getting over     the attachment to Parents, by transferring to Paul, the emotions of Unconditional Love, Loyalty and Dependency on my parents; I had was finally growing up and becoming a Woman...It was thrilling and scary at the same time... As the months passed by Paul and I were invited time and again to the weddings of my friends and the dreaded subject, of the 'future of our relationship', kept on raising its head...We were both terrified that if we get married, Paul's career may suffer. After all how could he serve as Ambassador  in a Pro -Arab country; when his wife, is a former soldier in the IDF? (Israel Defense Forces). Paul was also concerned, that if we get married, I may be suffering from Antisemitism, which he admitted still prevailed in Austria and was afraid he would be unable to protect me...

  Since Tel -Aviv University refused to give me credit, for some of the classes I took in the U.S, I told myself (and Paul) it must be a sighn, that I should go to the U.S and complete my collage education...  Once again faith intervened: My Hebrew school principal from Texas, wrote to tell me he was now heading the Hebrew School of a large Jewish Congregation, in Detroit Michigan and inviting me to      teach there and registered for the Fall Semester at the University of Detroit! Paul was overdue for           his 'Home Vacation'; so we decided to meet in Italy, on his way back to Israel and my trip to the U.S    Paul left first and two weeks later, after parting from my family and friends, I met him in Italy, where      we boarded a ship sailing to Genoa; the place where the two of us met... We traveled in a rented car throughout Italy, taking in the magnificent view... l enjoying the soft Italian Sunlight, Olive groves        and Cypresses...We were staying in small inns, visited Monasteries and listened to beautiful Gregorian Chant, Paul enjoyed and I fell in love with...

Paul and I

Outdoor café

    The two of us were 'Miserably Happy'... Knowing our time together  was coming to an end in Milan...We spent hours in beautiful old hotels with 'Plaster Angels' on the high ceilings above us and were making love... We talked very little; with our eyes closed, we were trying to memorize with our finger tips, each other's face and the way our skin felt... From time to time, we ventured out for a leisurely walk and set at one of the Sidewalk Cafes, sipping Cappuccino... People looked at us with tender smiles and turned around, to take a second look...At one point Paul broke down...He said he never experienced such Love as ours and was doubting he would ever be able to do so again...Suddenly, he hit the table with his fist, saying we should forget all our doubts and   get married in Italy right away! A primal fear flooded my heart. I loved Paul so much and so desperately  I wished nothing else, but spend the rest of my life with him! But I was Terrified my pain was almost  unbearable!" I will tell you what w Paul, I have a plain ticket to the U.S, a good job is waiting for me in Atlanta and I am registered at the University of Detroit... It would be wiser, if I go to the U.S, where I'll  get my B.A and study German, before we get married!". The look in his eyes broke my heart. I guess we bouth knew, this was the last time we are going to be together and will never see each other again... Our pain was almost unbearable... 

Milan train station

Paul gone...

    We parted at the Milan's Train Station. I was leaning out the window and Paul was holding my hand, running beside the train, when it began to move until our hands separated... I was watching him as he stood on  the platform with his his arm raised..."He looks Just like the Statue of Liberty"X My  Inner Cynic was joking, trying to cheer me up, but I did not laugh... I was watching Paul getting smaller and smaller:"Just Like Elise in Wounder Land"!" XMy 'Inner Cynic' said again, as I was trying to stop the flow of the tears, running down my checks... People were sending me curious looks, but I was unable to stop crying and didn't realy care... My heart was broken; crushed, smashed into thousands little pieces, as if it knew, that in spite of our 'Amazing love', the two of us will never see each other again... There was  'Deep dark grief', pulsating in my stomach; as if it was a premonition, that I am about to go through one of the most difficult and painful chapters of my life: "The Dark Moments of the Soul": My life without Paul...

With Love and Light,
Shira